Our beautiful Mother has asked me to put my thoughts in writing on several occasions, to share about my struggle to live her messages and my walk with the Lord. Little did I realize that in the back of my mind I was still afraid to be rejected, thinking, "If I write, who even cares, and who will read it anyway?" So, I intended to write, but I would put it off. Even if I wanted to push myself to do it out of obedience, my heart was not in it. My focus was totally off. I had no idea what the block was. Where was the trust in our Lord and our Mother to do what they asked?
Sick and tired of living in this past, one day it just finally clicked: ask for prayer! So my brother Howard and sisters Carolyn and Brenda prayed for me. As I was taken to that moment in time I could see this young girl (me) staring out that window with that hurt and worried look on my face. They asked me to look in their eyes to see their love for me, to look at the now, not yesterday, and experience God's unconditional love for me. Even this love was hard for me to accept.
But once I did look in their eyes and once I accepted this unconditional love, I began to see my face smile. All of a sudden I saw wounded parts of me coming back together, and for once I felt whole. No longer would I have to look back to that day as though to confirm my feelings of being rejected.
A light bulb came on that I did not know had been off. Since then our beloved Lord has been revealing some awesome things about his kingdom. I had to go through this healing before I could accept what more he had in store for me.
Now some of you reading this may be thinking, how could I have these struggles? Well, I have asked that question, too; many, many times.
God has shown me that everything, yes everything that happens to us is because he is in charge. Even my frustration and worry was to bring me to the point of asking for healing. He did not want me to live with my mind and my heart split. I thank God for the grace to know where to turn?to prayer and the body of Christ.
Knowing this is such a freedom, allowing us to become more intimate with him and TRUST him with our whole heart, soul, mind and strength.
Maybe you, too, have bad habits or issues that keep repeating in your life and you can't understand why, that keep you from living life to the full. Let God unite your heart and mind in his love. Come to a retreat, or come for prayer, so you can finally feel whole. Let the wind of the Holy Spirit reveal and heal your past hurts.
God Bless you and may he heal you.
Have a happy and Blessed Resurrection Day.
I still remember my 12th birthday party no one came to: not my best friends, not my family, no one. As I looked out the window to see if anyone was coming I could hear my mom calling people to come to my party, as if she had to beg them. She could see how upset I was. As I looked out the window, I can see myself full of fear in my face and heart.
This was supposed to be a Kodak moment in my life, however, it was not the moment I wanted to remember. I remember feeling so lonely, and desperately trying to think of what I had done wrong to make the others dislike me so. I stood there thinking, "What do I need to change so this will never happen again?" I felt so rejected and almost ashamed of who I was. What had I done wrong?
I had been dealing with these feelings and emotions of rejection for over 40 years and I was so, so tired of dealing with the fruits of these feelings. I would get depressed and could not concentrate; it consumed me to the point that I would be waiting for the word or gesture that someone might use to reject me. I would wait and wait and wait and wanted them to prove their love for me before I could trust them. Can you imagine placing this kind of expectation on my husband? The turmoil I had placed on myself and him over and over again, saying, "If you loved me, you would clean around the house," or, "If you loved me you would ......". You get the idea. I would put whatever I wanted in the blank to have him prove his love for me.
"What did I do wrong?" is the question I continued to ask every time someone would not answer or return a phone call (I just knew they saw my number and did not want to answer), every time I felt someone did not say, "Hi " when I knew they saw me.
I tried to control things around me so that I would feel safe and secure. I couldn't sleep for worrying about what I said or did wrong and what I needed to do to fix it. These emotions would guide me and keep me living in the past. Even as a mature Christian, I knew this was not right, but I just couldn't shake or pray it off.
As much as I always knew in my mind that God loved me for who I was and it was from him that I was supposed to receive my upbuilding, these moments would continue to haunt me because it had not reached my heart. There was always a wedge of doubt piercing my innermost being. My mind knew how much God loves me, but my heart needed healing.
"Live life to its fullest" was one of my mottos. Well, I couldn't do that if I kept going back to the past. If I could doubt God's love for me, then how could I accept anyone else to love me? I could not fully walk in God's will for me and do his work if I could not love who he created in me.
